Happy Fall Y’all!
I have been trying to write this blog post for a month. ONE MONTH.
First things first…After talking to my therapist and finally finding a good primary care Doctor, I was diagnosed with moderate depression. This is good news y’all!!!! I knew this was coming and it wasn’t a surprise. I have been on medication for these past two months and I am slowly but surely starting to feel better.
I look back to the last blog post I wrote on August 20th and so many things were happening that contributed to my life being in a quiet disarray. I didn’t feel well and my personal life was throwing me into this negative energy of emotions and feelings. There have been highs and lows, highs and lows. I keep telling myself baby steps Nicole, baby steps…It’s going to be a rollercoaster for a while.
The highs have been pretty noticeable. With this medication, I’ve seen my energy go up significantly. I can actually get out of bed in the morning and it doesn’t feel like such a struggle to wake up and just get moving. You truly don’t realize how hard it is to get through the day when you wake up more tired than when you went to bed. I’ve also been able to get back to the gym and that’s a huge accomplishment. My mood is also better and I feel like I have been more productive because I’ve been able to focus and be more efficient at work.
September was also a big month because I got to travel to Mexico City for a work trip. That was my VERY FIRST time out of the country in the 36 years I’ve been on this Earth. Can you believe that? I just got my passport in August! I was so nervous to fly and go through customs but it wasn’t bad at all. I can understand Spanish but can only speak a small amount so my language skills definitely got a workout. It was absolutely amazing to experience how our firm operates there. I am very grateful to have had this incredible opportunity to help our team there be empowered to make better staffing decisions. I definitely hope to make a trip back there to do tourist things and experience more of the country.
With all the great things that happened, there were also some lows. I’ve had to make some difficult personal decisions. Anyone who knows me knows that I care too much, it’s one of my weaknesses. I think that over the years I’ve become stronger and have built this wall up pretty high, so high that I’ve only let a few people in. The downfall is that I’m always afraid to let go because I think about what could be and what I could have done to make things work. Note to self: Sometimes that is just not enough! I realized that if I was going to get to a better place in my life, I needed to make a change for my own sanity. My heart was at war with myself and my feelings for the past few months. It was so hard, so hard. Some people will never change and I can’t change them or make them care. There just comes a point when you realize you can’t have someone bringing you down when you need peace.
My sweet sweet Lily is suffering from stage 3 kidney disease and she has now been diagnosed with cancer. I’ve had her since we found her under my ex-husband’s parents’ house back in the day. She has been there with me through everything, and I mean everything! We’re talking marriage, divorce, the birth of my nieces, my fresh start with my life when I moved to Tampa, this move to Texas, and so many other things that have happened in my life. I am very lucky to have a great vet here who has been giving her exceptional care. She’s lived a great life for almost 15 years and I am hoping that she will decide on her own when it’s her time to go.
In the end, it all comes down to this…You can’t get to a better place personally, professionally, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually if everything surrounding you is toxic. Sometimes you just have to make a tough decision to move forward so you can SAVE YOURSELF.