Y’all…it’s been awhile. Writing is my therapy and life has been so crazy. My blog has been so empty and to be honest, that’s how I’ve felt the past few months. Don’t get me wrong, I am SO grateful for this life I live…But, the reality is that I’ve been struggling so hard.
I haven’t felt like myself in so long. The kind of not feeling good where it’s hard just to get out of bed every day. I have NO motivation and I’m exhausted. My routine is I go to work, I come home, and I basically hide out in my apartment. If someone asks me to do something, I find myself making excuses so that I can avoid having to be social.
Work has been crazy busy and it has been very hard to try and balance all of my responsibilities and be able to try and disconnect. I never complain about my workload but I had a meltdown recently and realized that I CAN’T do it all without asking for help. I have realized even more now how extremely important it is to prioritize my time. It’s necessary to be able to do my job well and be able to advance and develop my career.
Personally, what would life be if there wasn’t some kind of excitement in the wonderful world of dating in your mid 30’s. I mean, let’s face it, we rely on dating apps anymore to meet anyone. It’s so superficial to swipe on someone based on their looks, secretly hoping deep down inside they aren’t crazy and have some kind of life goals. Someone could be the most gorgeous person in the world but have a horrible personality, no motivation, or an ugly heart. Believe me…looks can be so deceiving!
Then, once in a few hundred swipes, you FINALLY find someone that you’re attracted to and they turn out to be the total package. They do little things like open the car door for you and make you laugh so hard until you cry. They text you from the minute they wake up until they go to bed. They pick your two favorite places for a dinner and ice cream date because, it’s just that…your favorite. You decide you feel comfortable with this person and open up to them and put yourself out there because your heart’s been off limits forever. It’s a vicious cycle but then of course, something happens that is out of your control and it ALL FALLS APART. This was me 2 months ago and it’s been an insane roller coaster ride of emotions since then. But you know what? I CAN’T MAKE SOMEONE FEEL A CERTAIN WAY OR MAKE THEM WANT TO DO SOMETHING. It’s not fair to them, especially when they are trying to deal with their own issues. It’s also not fair for me to put unrealistic expectations out there. I have honestly lost count of how many times I said that I missed this person or that things shouldn’t be like this. I feel empty. Alone. Angry. Sad. I still do. Isn’t it crazy the power a person can have over you?
If there’s anything I’ve learned these past few weeks, it’s that my mental and emotional well being is suffering. I’m going back to therapy to get my mind right. In one of my deleted posts from the blog server breakdown, I wrote about how I went to therapy last year and it was the best thing I did for myself. If I don’t talk about how I feel, it drives me crazy and eats me up inside. Therapy gives me the outlet to do that and I’m grateful that my firm gives us some great resources so we know how important mental health is.
I’ve said this before but I really need to learn how to let go. Let go of feelings, emotions, stress, pain, negativity, and those who don’t deserve my time. It’s easier said than done but guilt and regret will eat you alive if you don’t. I lived with so much regret after my divorce and it took me many years of grieving in my own way to move on. Sure, I have days where I think about how things could be different but I don’t dwell on it and it doesn’t consume me like it used to. I am proud of myself because it took so much strength to move past something so devastating that it changed my entire life.
Life is not all rainbows and happiness every day. I sure do miss Tampa and my old life. I miss my friends, I miss the palm trees, and I miss the beach…That was my happiness. I’m not ashamed to say it’s taken a little longer to adjust to my new life here in Texas. I have faith that it will all work out, someway, somehow. After all, you can’t have sunshine without a little rain.
“It takes great courage to see the world in all its tainted glory, and still to love it” (Oscar Wilde)